While the cleanup efforts around the enormous oil spill from the wrecked British Petroleum drilling rig in the Gulf of Mexico seem already to have been designed in Chelm (we like the idea of using a top hat to collect the oil, for example), we can assure you that we are not responsible. However, as good green citizens of Planet Earth (a color we are especially fond of turning after eating Gimpel the Baker's micturatory challah), we wish to do our part. Accordingly, our wisest sages have been conferring for weeks and have come up with the following five suggestions:
- Buy a billion gallons of Heinz Apple Cider Vinegar and pour it into the Gulf of Mexico for a healthy seafood salad. This would have the added political bonus of boosting the reelection chances of Senator Arlen Specter, The Amazing Political Hermaphrodite from Pennsylvania, by creating jobs in his home state.
- Collect all the birds and fish smothered by the oil spill and dump them outside the mansion of BP CEO Tony Hayward until his company stops and cleans up the spill.
- Get an enormous frying pan, buy up Idaho's entire potato harvest and fry up the biggest batch of latkes the world has ever seen.
- Have all the owners of those huge obnoxious SUVs drive down to the Louisiana coast with siphons.
- Soak up the mess with a billion rags and leave them in Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's hotel room the next time he attends the UN General Assembly in New York, since he says Iran is only developing nuclear power for peaceful energy purposes.
- Send Sarah Palin, Dick Cheney and the entire "drill baby drill" brigade down to the Gulf coast with 100 million rolls of paper towels. If they can be found. They seem to have gone strangely silent.