Impartiality

We in Chelm were worried about the international reaction to Israel's interception of a floating pogrom in the Mediterranean, until the UN Security Council stepped in, regretted the deaths of nine pogromchiki, and called for an "impartial investigation."

What a relief! Now we know everything will be all right! Just like the time last Easter when our friendly neighbors down the road in Chmielnicki helped themselves to a little too much festive vodka and came our way yelling and screaming that we had murdered a Christian boy called Pavel and baked his blood into our matzah. Fortunately, we had our good friend to turn to, the Czar's personal representative to our district, Ivan the Terribly Smelly.

Such is his wisdom and compassion, Ivan needed only a moment to consider our plight. "There'sh no need to shlaughter the yids thish time," he hiccuped, having downed several shots already in honor of his Savior. "We'll jusht fine them fifty gulden so we can afford the really good shtuff--er, for Pavel's funeral expenses!" Jew and non-Jew alike gave a mighty cheer for Ivan's Solomonic wisdom in breaking the cycle of violence! Best of all, Pavel was found unharmed the next day, sleeping it off in a hayloft, although we never did get our fifty gulden back, gravedigging costs being what they are. Surely Israel can expect no less justice from the international Chmielnicki!