OMG! Russian Spies!

"Ya know, Vlad honey, I said we should push the RESET button on U.S.-Russia relations... not the 'DOWNLOAD' button!"

Who Knew the Chinese Government Had a Sense of Humor?

The Chinese government has censored the memoirs of former premier Li Peng, "the former Chinese prime minister who was instrumental in bringing a violent end to student-led protests in Tiananmen Square 21 years ago" on the grounds that... wait for it...

"Publication would violate copyright laws."

Ba-dum-bum!

The Obama-McChrystal Brouhaha...

...delights us here in Chelm, inasmuch as it proves that both the U.S. administration and the top echelons of the U.S. military can trace their roots to our little town.

Still, it strikes the more historically minded of us as a farcical replay of the Harry Truman-Douglas MacArthur showdown, which resulted in the firing of the latter in April 1951, which in turn led to a national temper tantrum and fears of a military takeover among the more excitable members of the American intelligentsia of the day. This time, no such great principle is at stake, unless you consider the right of one of General McChrystal’s aides to call Obama's national security adviser, James L. Jones, a "clown" to be a matter worth going to the stake for. If the general nevertheless considers running his own mouth to be more important than running the war, the president should grant him his desires, and McChrystal can join the panoply of Fox ranters.

A Bad Day for Academic Explanations of Terrorism

The klutzy would-be Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad pleaded guilty in federal court today, and when Judge Miriam Goldman Cedarbaum asked him about "the people who were walking in Times Square that night. Did you look around to see who they were?" the would-be murderer replied, "Well, the people selected the government; we consider them all the same." Then he tripped over his untied shoelaces and banged his head on the defense table.

Drat. How they gonna explain that away? Also, the cantankerous dumbass didn't say a thing about Jews or Israel. So I went and asked my favorite professor at Facetious U. (which is just down the road from Chelm) how this can be explained in light of the theories of Drs. Mearsheimer, Walt, Judt, et al.

"Easy," he said, "did you notice the judge's name?"

"Well yeah, she's probably a member of the tribe. So?"

"And his defense lawyer?"

"Philip Weinstein--oh no, you don't mean..."

"The fix was in," the professor said happily. "His Zionist lawyer persuaded him not to mention Israel, because the Zionist judge would only throw the book at him. And it was probably a Zionist who sold him the faulty propane tanks in his bomb."

"Wow! Now it all makes sense. Israel is to blame after all. Thanks, Professor Chomsky."

How The New York Times Writes an Editorial

Click for enlarged image

Can Tony Judt Talk About Israel Without Lies?

According to the evidence of "Talking about Israel, Without the Clichés," no. Here are his major lies, debunked.

• Israel's claim that there is a campaign to delegitimize it is propaganda by the Netanyahu government.
  
  Has Prof. Judt heard of Mahmoud "Israel is a stinking corpse" Ahmadinejad and his efforts to get nuclear weapons to turn this into reality? Of Hamas's demand not just that the state of Israel be destroyed (a point of agreement with the director of the Remarque Institute at New York University) but that all Jews in the world, including half of Tony Judt, be slaughtered?
  
  
• Israel is a democracy, but one that should make you think of the "popular democracies" of Communist Eastern Europe.
  
  Is the professor serious? Israel routinely changes governments in free and fair elections, unlike every single Arab regime.
  
  
• Hamas came to power in Gaza in democratic elections.
  
  Hamas won a plurality in local elections in Gaza and then overthrew the Palestinian Authority in a bloody coup.
  
  
• Israel enjoyed "easy" military victories in its early years that have given it the "pathological habit" of always resorting to force.
  
  In the Israeli War of Independence in 1948, 6,000 Jews, 1% of the total Jewish population, were killed. In the Six-Day War, 776 Israeli soldiers were killed. No Israeli, whatever his or her political opinions, views any of the wars as "easy." Judt is implying, not so subtly, that the Israelis are bloodthirsty.
  
  
• "Sooner or later Israel (or someone) will have to talk to Hamas," because this is what always happens with terrorist groups: they end up being legitimized and given a seat at the table.
  
  Really? What about Al Qaeda? What about the Chechen terrorists in Russia? What about the PKK in Turkey? What about the Real IRA in Northern Ireland?
  
  
• "Since 1967 it has been Israel that has missed most opportunities." The PLO's "negationism" was a factor until "the early 1980s."
  
  Judt must have been in a coma in 2000, when Arafat rejected the Israeli-American offer of a state in the West Bank and Gaza Strip, and launched a terrorist "war" instead.
  
  
• "Terrorism is the weapon of the weak."
  
  I thought Judt's mission was to avoid clichés.
  
  
• "An overwhelming majority of congressmen roll over for every pro-Israel motion" because of "the Israel lobby."
  
  No, Congress supports Israel ("roll over" implies that Israel has some secret way of controlling the United States... a thought that even Judt rejects as anti-Semitic). And it does so because the overwhelming majority of Americans support Israel rather than the Palestinians. Enemies of Israel like Judt are loath to admit this fact, and so it has now become fashionable for them to mouth another of Judt's lies...
  
  
• "Israel is now America’s greatest strategic liability in the Middle East and Central Asia."
  
  So if Israel disappeared, the Iraqi insurgents and the Taliban would lay down their arms and become big donors to President Obama? How can a supposedly serious person write such flapdoodle?
  
  
• Zionism today should be rejected because it "presses territorial claims, religious exclusivity and political extremism."
  
  Actually, there is broad consensus in Israeli politics, including in Prime Minister Netanyahu's Likud Party, on a two-state solution that would require Israel to give up most of the West Bank. If Israel has other "territorial claims," for example to Jerusalem, why are these inherently more contemptible than the Palestinians' absolute "territorial claim" to all of Israel? As for "religious exclusivity," Israel is the only state in the Middle East to allow freedom of religion, and as for "political extremism," this is no more problematic in Israel than in any other democracy. Whoops, I mean "democracy." Mustn't deny the "professor" his precious scare quotes.
  
  
• "Criticism of Israel ... is not predominantly motivated by anti-Semitism. The same is true of contemporary anti-Zionism." Anti-Semitic criticism of Israel is a historical relic of the Soviet Union.
  
  The alleged history professor has obviously failed to read the Hamas Covenant, watch Palestinian Authority TV, listen to Saudi and Syrian statements, read the Egyptian press, or attend the many anti-Israel rallies in his beloved Europe that demand that "Jews" be driven out of Palestine.

And let us all say in unison, along with the shade of George Orwell: "One has to belong to the intelligentsia to believe things like that: no ordinary man could be such a fool."

Amen.

A Glossary of Timespeak

The time has come to begin compiling a glossary of Timespeak, the language of the New York Times that is quite incomprehensible to ordinary mortals, and even to the wise men of Chelm. Here is the first entry:

"A consensus is emerging." This means, "The New York Times editorial board has reached the following conclusion, and has tracked down appropriate experts to provide confirmatory quotes." As in the following example from today's paper:

"GAZA — Three years after Israel and Egypt imposed an embargo on this tormented Palestinian strip, shutting down its economy, a consensus has emerged that the attempt to weaken the governing party, Hamas, and drive it from power has failed."

Using our Magic Translating Eightball, this is easily understood:

"GAZA — Three years after Israel and Egypt imposed an embargo on Hamas, The New York Times editorial board has concluded that the attempt to drive it from power has failed. The rest of this article is composed of confirmatory quotes from our experts, and no countervailing information that might confuse the reader."

There's A Hole In Your Pocket

We in Chelm greatly appreciate Michael Chabon's mentioning us in the New York Times, but we are not quite sure that his disquisition on Jewish stupidity was completely correct.

I myself went to Pinya the Philosopher with my copy of the Times (which was a little muddy after having been trampled under the feet of my donkey, Blau), and read him the following insight of Chabon's: "A stupid Jew is like a hole in the pocket of your pants, there every time you put them on, always forgotten until the instant your quarters run clattering across the floor."

"Brilliant, isn't it, Pinya?" I asked.

Pinya sniffed. "I don't know about that," he said. "Has Professor Chabon conducted a scientific experiment to confirm this hypothesis of his?"

I had to admit that I didn't know.

"All of my pants have holes in them," Pinya pointed out, "and yet I never lose a single kopeck, much less one of these 'quarters' of the professor's. And do you know why?"

"No, why?"

"Why what?" I had to remind Pinya of what we were talking about. He's a little absent-minded.

"Oh yes," he said proudly. "I never lose a single kopeck, because I never have any money!"

We in Chelm are delighted to see that the rest of the world is following Pinya's lead in this regard.

The Face That Launched A Thousand Feigned Expressions of Outrage

No, no, no, Helen. You can't say that "the Jews should get the hell out of Palestine." That's so gauche! For one thing, you actually used the J word. That you must not do. Now, if you had said "the Zionists should get the hell out of Palestine," it would have been absolutely unexceptionable--and as a bonus, if any of those damn, uh, occupiers had had the chutzpah (their word) to complain, you could have accused them of attempting to silence anyone who dares voice criticism of Israel. And lots of those occupiers would have been foolish enough to leap to your defense.

And saying that those occupiers should go back to Germany and Poland? C'mon, you can't scare those poor Germans and Poles like that. Unless you're speaking in Arabic.

It is for ripping the mask off "polite" hatred of Israel, Helen, that you are awarded The Order Of The Senile Old Coot. Er, boot.

An Oil Company's Garden (Sorry, Ringo)

I'd like to be under the sea
Fuckin' up the ocean with BP
Hey, who needs fish?
Say, don't you wish
You were fuckin' up the ocean with BP?
Me and my friends would drill, baby, drill
And together the ocean we'd kill
I'd like to be under the sea
Fuckin' up the ocean with BP

We would have fun
'Neath that Gulf sun
With our little oil bomb beneath the waves
The fish all dead on the seabed
The Gulf of Mexico a giant grave
We would sing and dance a jig
All around our exploded rig
I'd like to be under the sea
Fuckin' up the ocean with BP

We'd be so harsh to every marsh
With our little oil bomb beneath the waves
The birds all dead, all full of lead
The Gulf of Mexico a giant grave...
But we should be so happy, you and me,
Racin' around in our giant SUVs
No need to be under the sea
To fuck up the ocean with BP
Fuckin' up the ocean with BP
Just a-fuckin' up the ocean with BP.

Looked in the mirror lately, dude?

Impartiality

We in Chelm were worried about the international reaction to Israel's interception of a floating pogrom in the Mediterranean, until the UN Security Council stepped in, regretted the deaths of nine pogromchiki, and called for an "impartial investigation."

What a relief! Now we know everything will be all right! Just like the time last Easter when our friendly neighbors down the road in Chmielnicki helped themselves to a little too much festive vodka and came our way yelling and screaming that we had murdered a Christian boy called Pavel and baked his blood into our matzah. Fortunately, we had our good friend to turn to, the Czar's personal representative to our district, Ivan the Terribly Smelly.

Such is his wisdom and compassion, Ivan needed only a moment to consider our plight. "There'sh no need to shlaughter the yids thish time," he hiccuped, having downed several shots already in honor of his Savior. "We'll jusht fine them fifty gulden so we can afford the really good shtuff--er, for Pavel's funeral expenses!" Jew and non-Jew alike gave a mighty cheer for Ivan's Solomonic wisdom in breaking the cycle of violence! Best of all, Pavel was found unharmed the next day, sleeping it off in a hayloft, although we never did get our fifty gulden back, gravedigging costs being what they are. Surely Israel can expect no less justice from the international Chmielnicki!